Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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