After last night, I could never be a politician.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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