I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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