I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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