I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
