I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
