in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
