Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
