Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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