I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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