Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
