I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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