Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just pee around me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
