I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
