my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize