so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
