i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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