Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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