fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
