I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
