i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
