You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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