laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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