I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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