i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
