Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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