If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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