I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
