a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
