i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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