I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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