Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
