i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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