The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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