When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
