So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
