I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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