Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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