sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
two words: eviction party
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
40s are totally the cure
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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