I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Duck Duck Cougar?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
