im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
