I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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