Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
