just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
