I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
