True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
