Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
