So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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