Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
