just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
